Sleeplessness

I roll restlessly in my bed tonight, trying to fall asleep, but I cannot. I am so lonely for female companionship, not just mere horniness, mind you, but yearning so deep it tugs at your soul. I chose to live my life by design instead of default a while back, and by that I mean choosing exactly what I wanted in life and go after it rather than taking and settling for whatever comes along in fear of not being able to achieve higher.
With this aspiration and decision for the direction I wanted for my life and development as a human being, I decided on exactly the kind of woman I want in my life. I thought about the essential characteristics that this woman must possess for her to "qualify" with me. I realized at the time that this wait, this decision to "not settle for less" would be an arduous journey indeed. It would demand that I face my loneliness, confronting my short-term discomfort in favor of long-term satisfaction and growth.
Everywhere sounds pretty honky dory so far right? So what exactly is the problem? Well, I am very lonely right now. That in and of itself may not be a bad thing, but I am reminded of an old story about the kundalini, about our inner wisdom manifesting itself in the form of a snake.
Most of the time, we react out of fear, attempting to run away from the snake. Other times we confront it with anger and try to kill it. Even more foolish are the times where we choose to ignore it, thinking it will magically dissipate itself. Needless to say, it usually does not work out the way we desire.
The way we might benefit most from the interception of the "snake" is to question it. We ask it, being our shadow, our dark side, why it has come to us. What lessons and wisdoms have it to impart to us now?
I asked my kundalini what it wished to teach me tonight through my loneliness and this was what it told me: I am avoiding having to deal with the possibility of being hurt by setting my standards impossibly high for women.
Because I refuse to "compromise" (being so high minded and all *sarcastic*) I effectively bump all women out of the running. There is nothing wrong with high standards, but I was using it as a convenient excuse to cover for my fear. I was paying lip service to myself.
It's so important to self examine constantly, to root out the "darker" motivations and self-deceptions we come up with. So how do I know that I'm not just giving in to my emotions, being beaten by loneliness and thus, rationalizing? Well, I realized that had I truly let high standards dictate my behavior, I would have been a lot more friendly and flirty with the girls I see daily, instead of just being so in my own head that I hardly ever strike up conversations anymore. Looking purely at external actions, it is hard to diagnose anything definitely, and that is why we must be ever vigilant in contemplating our internal intents behind what we do. We are our own best doctors.

Namaste