Never ceases to amaze me

An amazing thing happened today. I actually was looking forward to running this morning. Even before I started running and got my second wind! Simply uncanny, I’ve never enjoyed the act of running, except for the few months when I ran five to six miles every morning with my platoon on Okinawa. It’s easy to like something you’re good at. Since then it’s been an uphill struggle. Until now. It’s good to be back. Oh yeah, I’m listening to Nelly Furtado’s “Turn Off The Light.” I remember Caldera wrote a parody of it; “Punch Out Her Lights.” *shake my head*

God

What is God like? Many people, wise men and experts supposedly, know. They have the knowledge that separates themselves from the general population. That kind of Gnosticism is not only in the said sect of religion; it is exhibited all across the board. Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, or Shinto, whatever; as long as there is some type of belief or religion combined with organization, I’d say it is hard to prevent human beings from utilizing it for their own ends. Power, that’s what it comes down to.
I say screw all that. I say we may not ever know what God, Allah, Yahweh, or whatever else we want to name Him/Her/It is like. Who cares really? Why does having the knowledge of God matter at all, unless you’re motivated by a pursuit of power over your fellow men?
God gave us something inside of us; we call it our conscience, our heart, our instinct, our spirit or soul. It guides us in the direction that we, perhaps, ought to go. Socrates talked of his voice, never telling him what to do, but forbidding evil. Everyone’s voice may be different. All the time we spend looking outward, we might be better served reflecting inward. We needn’t know the exact psychology or characteristics of the Almighty. He, in all of His wisdom, already included the tool within us. We ought to trust ourselves, which in turn is really trusting Him, instead of so called experts, priest, reverends, or rabbis.

Trust

I was wondering: does love (pleasure) require pain from us? Is it an integral part that cannot be separated? Take parents for example, it seems to me like when we stay out late, they can just place trust in us. Instead, as we all know, they rarely sleep well until we are home. Supposedly this worrying and stressing is due to their “love” for us. Now, I’m not disputing whether our folks love us or not, surely they do, but I’m just thinking maybe loving someone doesn’t mean we automatically worry about them or stress out when they don’t come home before midnight. I think we choose to worry, for a number of reasons; we may not trust them but want to convince ourselves (and they, on the surface) that we really do, we may just be self dramatizing (“Oh swoon, poor me, see what I must deal with?” Don’t underestimate this one, it’s a killer,) or we may just not know any better, thinking we MUST be killing ourselves with stress if we love someone, otherwise we’d feel guilty because if we don’t worry, we may seem “heartless and cold” to ourselves and others (this seems pretty prevalent in Chinese culture.)

It seems pretty straightforward and simple to me. Last night, my pops didn’t come home until around 11 pm. My ma was practically pulling out her hair. Now, I love my pa, but what’s the use of worrying? It’s not as if he’s a seven year old kid at the mall, the man’s almost a senior citizen for Christ’s sakes! He’s street smart and wise in his own way, he can take care of himself. I think this constant worrying is due to a feeling of lost of control. We don’t trust others to care for themselves. We just love to micromanage. Well, we can’t control everything. In fact, we can’t control ANYTHING in this world but ourselves, so it’s futile to stress and make ourselves exasperated. If my pops keeled over and dropped dead, all of our worries won’t bring him back alive. If he busted a tire, he’s probably fixing it, we won’t help at all by pacing the floor, will we? Plus, he’s got a cell phone; he can call if he needs anything.

Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be considerate and give a courtesy call to the people we live with if we’re coming home late. I’m saying maybe if we learn to trust each other, truly trust, instead of just paying lip service like most people (yes, you) then we wouldn’t HAVE to give status reports. After all, who really likes doing that? God knows I hate being nagged, and I refuse to check in with anyone.

I’m never getting married…

Scribblings from Philosophy class

These are some notes that I jotted down during Philosophy class of Spring 2006. I don’t know why but I just thought of it today to transcribe it to my computer today. Note: This writing is from months ago; some of the ideas and beliefs here I have either revised or tossed out completely, I’ll make a note besides those.

Truth
True worldviews (note that I do not believe truth is singular, but multiple) are of the highest importance. Second to that are worldviews that serve us (apparently) best. Since most views are impossible to prove or verify, many times we should pick what best serves us.

Someone once said, “Man is only as free as his own level of self-mastery” I forget who said that, maybe Aristotle?

Free Will
Free Will is: despite all opposing forces, we still are able to choose, regardless of consequences, to go against the grain. Just because I WILL choose one thing, it does NOT mean I CANNOT pick the other.

Scars and Trauma
We all have our unique scarring in life, some more severe than others. Does that mean we should tailor a unique approach to EVERYONE, in the instance of the justice system? NO! We don’t have that kind of time! We’d never get anything done that way. We need to have some sort of objective approach to subjective problems.

Chemical Imbalance in the brain
The chems present in the brain does NOT necessarily mean it CAUSES emotion. Cause & Effect may not necessarily be true, only what we expect. We have no reason to believe the Sun will rise tomorrow. Our emotion may not CAUSE the chem. The chem may not CAUSE the emotion. They may well exist together simultaneously. More chem may ENCOURAGE more specific emotion, but that does not negate the possibility that we can still choose despite the emotion, especially if we are aware of the chems and consciously resist it.

My 6 weeks progress report on Walking the Path

Okay people, it's been more than 6 weeks, a little past 7 weeks in fact, since The Path. Man, does the time fly! I remember it was either Scott or Steve that told us we've been had, we've been conned, that we were under the impression that we signed up for a one day seminar when in actuality, we were on for a 6 week ride. Lemme tell you, this past 6 (7) weeks have been absolutely amazing.

For starters, let me make it clear that in no way did I do everything by-the-letter perfect. I let Resistance (in forms of rationalization and laziness) get the best of me on multiple occasions. I did not, according to plan, do my FlowFit and Intu-Flow 3-4 times a week and everyday, respectively, without fail. There were many times where I entertained the thought of giving up. Please don't beat yourselves up over this, if you are. It's not wrong, it's human.

The good new is: the direction of my life has taken a irrevocably distinctive turn. For one thing, I haven't touched a cigarette since the night before The Path. Now, I've been smoking since I was twelve years old, with a two year hiatus during 18-19 years old. But needless to say, I've been a long term smoker. Like all smokers, I secretly desired to quit, underneath all the self-deception and rationalization of "I'll quit when I'm ready" or "I just enjoy it." Everytime I attempted to give up the cancer stick, notice I said "attempted" because that was what it was, just an limp attempt to outwardly satisfy my conscious mind, ended in miserable failure. Fear would always linger in the back of my mind, "is this time for real? Will I really quit this time?" As if it was not my choice, as if it was out of my own control. Not this time, because I discovered something else that I desired and worked better than smoking: breathing. Now I've moved from not being active at all (since I got out of the Marine Corps) to doing kettlebells and clubbells, FlowFit and Intu-Flow, pullups and dips, and running around my neighborhood (I haven't ran since I've been out, making all kinds of excuse, doing anything BUT run.) My progress is slow but steady. Everytime I fail (not exercising when I should have) I reflect on that and learn from it. As a result my consistency in being active has been improving, from nil to 4 times a week. That's the biggest challenge for me, not the actual exercise, but getting off my butt to exercise. I'm sure many of you can relate. It was easy in the military to be fit, as we have external forces pushing us, but real strength, I believe, comes from the ability to be a self-starter. To be able to handle independence and freedom. That is maturity, and that is something I've been learning this past 6 weeks, to be able to stand alone and still perform.

Thank you Scott, for showing me what I consider to be the most important thing I've ever learned for health and fitness; you taught me to trust myself, to be my own coach. As Jean-Paul Sartre said: we were all "thrust into the world." Growing up, we all look to other people for direction, advice, and what to do. We look to our elders, we look the people stronger than us, we look to more "successful" people, we look to people who are either "cooler" than us, or more "attractive." We look everywhere but within ourselves. Ironic, isn't it? as the answer is right in front of us. So now, instead of looking to sets/reps or a specific "build your beach body in 6 weeks!" workout regimen, which I'd inevitably half ass it then quit because I'm so miserable not listening to myself, forcing myself to do something I don't enjoy, I "gave myself permission" to trust my own instincts, to train Intuitively. So thank you Scott, for not giving me a fish, but teaching me how to fish.

To Steve, thank you, for you broke it down in a way that resonated with me, the importance of breath in my body, mind, and spirit. I was able to connect how it impacted my everyday life. You showed me that I am not the Drunken Monkey, I am the one listening to the Drunken Monkey. You taught me that I have all the time in the world to achieve what I want, and no time to waste. I had to think about that one a bit. Before I'd always start out strong, motivated, but ended up quitting because I was too impatient for the result. I wanted a magic pill. Now I realize that true permanent change is not focused on behavior, but beliefs and lifestyle. This kind of baby-step approach results in a lasting difference, rather than just another immemorable phase in our life. You also reminded me not just use baby-steps as a convenient excuse to wait for the "perfect moment" to start our progress. There never was a moment in time, and never will be, where we did not have the power to change. So I got off my buttocks and embarked on my imperfect journey with imperfect preparations with my imperfect self. And I never looked back.

And the biggest thanks goes to myself. Thank you Gino, for giving yourself permission to succeed. Thank you for forcing yourself to go to The Path, for taking seriously what you learn, and for making the choice to better yourself. Without your own decision, a thousand Scott Sonnons and a thousand Steven Barnes would not have made a difference.

Did my 6 weeks go perfect? Obviously not, but does it matter? No. Should it be perfect? An even bigger and resounding NO! How can we learn if everything's perfect? We learn from mistakes right? So let's give ourselves the permission to failure, and let us continue on our imperfect Path. It is human. It is beautiful.

Sleeplessness

I roll restlessly in my bed tonight, trying to fall asleep, but I cannot. I am so lonely for female companionship, not just mere horniness, mind you, but yearning so deep it tugs at your soul. I chose to live my life by design instead of default a while back, and by that I mean choosing exactly what I wanted in life and go after it rather than taking and settling for whatever comes along in fear of not being able to achieve higher.
With this aspiration and decision for the direction I wanted for my life and development as a human being, I decided on exactly the kind of woman I want in my life. I thought about the essential characteristics that this woman must possess for her to "qualify" with me. I realized at the time that this wait, this decision to "not settle for less" would be an arduous journey indeed. It would demand that I face my loneliness, confronting my short-term discomfort in favor of long-term satisfaction and growth.
Everywhere sounds pretty honky dory so far right? So what exactly is the problem? Well, I am very lonely right now. That in and of itself may not be a bad thing, but I am reminded of an old story about the kundalini, about our inner wisdom manifesting itself in the form of a snake.
Most of the time, we react out of fear, attempting to run away from the snake. Other times we confront it with anger and try to kill it. Even more foolish are the times where we choose to ignore it, thinking it will magically dissipate itself. Needless to say, it usually does not work out the way we desire.
The way we might benefit most from the interception of the "snake" is to question it. We ask it, being our shadow, our dark side, why it has come to us. What lessons and wisdoms have it to impart to us now?
I asked my kundalini what it wished to teach me tonight through my loneliness and this was what it told me: I am avoiding having to deal with the possibility of being hurt by setting my standards impossibly high for women.
Because I refuse to "compromise" (being so high minded and all *sarcastic*) I effectively bump all women out of the running. There is nothing wrong with high standards, but I was using it as a convenient excuse to cover for my fear. I was paying lip service to myself.
It's so important to self examine constantly, to root out the "darker" motivations and self-deceptions we come up with. So how do I know that I'm not just giving in to my emotions, being beaten by loneliness and thus, rationalizing? Well, I realized that had I truly let high standards dictate my behavior, I would have been a lot more friendly and flirty with the girls I see daily, instead of just being so in my own head that I hardly ever strike up conversations anymore. Looking purely at external actions, it is hard to diagnose anything definitely, and that is why we must be ever vigilant in contemplating our internal intents behind what we do. We are our own best doctors.

Namaste

Detox by Activity

I felt like crap today. Unmotivated, lethargic, and depressed. Then I realized something. Waiting for the perfect moment to do something, whether it be exercise, writing, or taking a leap of faith on matters of the heart, there's nothing more foolish than that. We have to play while we're tired or hurt sometimes. Of course, that doesn't mean "no pain, no gain," go out there and not pay attention to what our body is telling us. Just that sometimes we gotta "take a straw and suck it up." So I did, I got off my lazy ass and started doing some kettlebell in my back yard. Then I decided, "screw it, I'll do some clubbells as well." Before I knew it, I was jogging around my neighborhood, even though tomorrow morning was my "running day." My point is, I felt like I had too much toxins and other "bad juju" clogged up within my system. It was time to sweat them out, and so I did. Amazing how great I feel again! So say we all =)

Live by Free Will, Die by Determinism

After reading some works on Nietzsche, I was surprised to learn that Nietzsche was a determinist. My initial impression, due to the extensive amount of time and words he devoted to the concept of Will to Power, that he’d be more of a Free Will proponent. Nietzsche’s logic was this: there are possibilities and there are actualities. What is possible strives to be actual. He believed there to be multiple universes, each one different only in one way, one possibility. If in our universe, I flip a coin and come up with heads, in another universe it will come up with tails. That makes two possible universes. If I attempt another coin toss and this one comes up tails instead of heads, then there will be four possible universes with the two attempts as: HH, HT, TT, TH. Each subsequent throw will generate more possibilities, to infinity. The question comes in now: what do we consider is “real?” Are possibilities considered real, or only what is actual? How do we know if there are other actual universes? Is our universe the only actual universe that exists? If possibilities are considered real, then I must agree with Nietzsche and take up the position of determinism, for then in our universe, all possibilities are already set for the past, present, and future. If possibilities are real, then it stands to reason that anything we can conceive of is real. If I can conceive of the possibility of sprouting wings and taking up flight, then in another universe, another possibility, it will actually happen. It will be actualized.
So now that we have established what it will mean if we consider possibilities to be real or not real, we can look at it in a different light. Which belief is more useful to us? Even in the event that possibilities are real, therefore other universes exist, leading to determinism being true, I would still live as if I had Free Will. Why? Because I believe it will serve me better. Determinism does not really help me make decisions in life. It does not truly explain what to do or how to act or think. It is more of an explanation of how the world works, much akin to Hobbes’ Social Contract Theory. I would keep in mind and be aware of how determinism works passively in our lives, while actively utilizing the belief of having Free Will. Living with the belief of having Free Will encourages us to take responsibility for our decisions in life, which I believe is healthier and helps us excel, in whatever sense we choose, in whatever endeavor we choose. Adopting determinism will more likely encourage a lack of personal responsibility and promote blame placing, in my opinion, because “it’s not my fault, it’s just fate/destiny.” It is my view that people are more ready to use anything available to them, such as a belief, a philosophy, or a “truth,” as an excuse and a crutch to lean on, rather than to go through the growing pains of learning to stand themselves. Therefore, even if determinism were “true,” I would still advocate living as if we possess Free Will and accepting Personal Responsibility (which I believe to be healthy and helpful in life) as a result.